New Year's Resolutions!

Despite the fact that New Year's Resolutions rarely last past the month of January, I have high hopes that I can have the self-discipline to last until at least mid-february. I pray to God that 2013 will be a quality year, but I guess that's only half up to me, half up to chance, ehh?

Here we go!

• Work out; not to lose weight, but to become more healthy, and to beat James in an arm wrestle.
•  Start doing yoga, or meditation. I get so stressed over nothing, I need something to calm me down.
• Drink more water. Coffee and diet soda does not count as sufficient hydration.
• Don't zone out as much. I'm missing life when I'm just staring at walls.
• Be outside more, they invented coats for a reason.
• Eat less processed foods, lean towards clean eating. You are what you eat, right?
• Bake more, improve your decorating skills with cakes and cupcakes. Maybe take a decorating class at Micheal's. This is something I love, shouldn't I strive to be the best I can be?
• Gain peace with who I am. I can fix what I can, and I can deal with what I can't. 
• My body is a canvas, right? Be more creative with makeup, it's a lovely way to express myself.

I feel good about this year.

all I know.

Is that I really don't know much of anything.

I don't know what I want to do with my life.
I don't know how I feel.
I don't know my passions.
I don't know who you are anymore... well... maybe I never did.
I don't know why you treat me so poorly behind my back.

But I do know a few things.

I know what love feels like.
I know what true friendship feels like.
I know what loss feels like, and don't you dare take that away from me.
I know how drunken nights end.
I know how to make damn good pumpkin bread.
I know how wonderful skin feels on skin.
And I know how to cry, and I do it often. Not always out of sadness, just out of emotion.


I hope that everyone... or at least a few people, are as lost as I am.

“If I never see you again
I will always carry you
inside
outside
on my fingertips
and at brain edges
and in centers
centers
of what I am of
what remains.”

Merry Christmas. Much love. Sweet dreams.
<3

Story time.

There once was a couple who decided they wanted to take a break. They both wanted very different things out of life, and they wanted to pursue their dreams. So they agreed to eachother that they would go off in the world for 3 years, and if they realized that they wanted to get back together, they would meet at a river where they had their first date.

The girl wanted fame. She wanted to be a Hollywood star, and have everyone know her name. So she moved to L.A. in the hopes of staring in movies. Slowly, but surely the roles started coming in. She started in small roles at first, but within 2 years, she had made herself a bonafide movie star. But she wasn't happy like she thought she would have been. She was lonely. So she bought herself a giant mansion and filled it with endless clothes, and extravagant furniture. Still, she cried at night. "Maybe it's company, I need!" she assumed. So she paid 50 people to live with her, and to keep her company. It wasn't very long until she realized that these people weren't her friends, they were hardly acquaintances.

The man wanted to help people, so he moved down south and helped with Habitat for Humanity. He was helping build houses for families who needed them more than he ever could. But somehow, he wasn't satisfied. He decided that what he was missing was sex. So paid lots of prostitutes, and slept with half the town. This brought him nothing but more loneliness, so to ease the pain, he turned to drinking. He showed up every morning rip roaring drunk, and ended the day the same way.

But the man was too prideful to admit his defeat. He saw on the TV and in the magazines that his ex was now famous. She had gotten all she had wanted from life, and she looked so damn happy. And that torn him up inside. In his spite, he wrote her a letter weeks before the 3 year point, telling her of all he had accomplished, and how much greater he was without her.

She realized that what was missing from her life was the love that he provided, and was thrilled to meet him once more at the river. The day before she was about to leave, she received his letter. She had never felt the pain of such a loss before. All the hopes she had died that day. She went to the river, filled her pockets with rocks, and walked in.

Meanwhile, the man realized what an idiot he had been, and rushed down to the river in the hopes she hadn't received his letter.  

He sat there, and waited. He waited for hours, and hours, never knowing that had he gotten their 15 minutes earlier, she would have still been alive. Waiting. He sat there everyday till he died; wishing, praying.

maybe...

maybe there are some things we are never meant to understand....





I find this to be an endlessly annoying concept.
I want to understand the world.
Emotions.
Fears.
Beauty.
You.

frustration

I want to say what I mean without fear. Is that too much to ask for?

Swear to Baby Jesus.

My biggest secret is that I don't have any secrets left,
and I'd like at least one to hold onto
so that I can still seem sexy and mysterious to you...

and you call yourself a free-spirit, a "wild thing", and you're terrified that somebody's gonna stick you in a cage.

She is so beautiful. You don't get tired of looking at her. 
You never worry if she is smarter than you:
You know she is.
She is funny without ever being mean. I love her. 
I am so lucky to have her, Van Houten. 
You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world, old man, 
but you do have some say in who hurts you. 
I like my choices. I hope she likes hers. 

School is really important: Reading, writing, arithmetic. But what they tend to do is teach you reading, writing, arithmetic…then teach you reading, writing, arithmetic again. Then again, then again, just making it harder and harder just to keep you busy. And that’s where I think they messed up. There should be a class on drugs. There should be a class on sex education. No, REAL sex education class, not just pictures and illogical terms…There should be a class on scams, there should be a class on religious cults, there should be a class on police brutality, there should be a class on apartheid, there should be a class on racism in America, there should be a class on why people are hungry, but there’s not, their class is on…gym….Their class is like Algebra. we have yet to go a store and said, “Can I have X Y + 2 and give me my Y change back, thank you.” You know?…Like foreign languages. I think that they are important, but I don’t think it should be required. Actually, they should be teaching you English, and then teach you how to understand double talk, politician’s double talk. Not teaching you how to understand French and Spanish and GERMAN. When am I going to Germany? I can’t afford to pay my rent in America! How am I going to Germany?

—Tupac, Age 17 On the Topic of Education, 1988.

Right back at ya.

I'm absolutely livid. You don't get to commentate on anything I do, anyone I'm with, or anything I say. EVER AGAIN. You don't get to feel anything towards me anymore.

You have treated me like literal shit since August. You have said a myriad of adorable things, like, "I don't love you", "You're hateful", "SHUT THE FUCK UP", "I don't like being around you", "You've changed", "I don't want to pick up your broken pieces", "I don't want to be there for you anymore", and probable worse things behind my back.

All I ever wanted to do was love you, and you returned the favor by making me feel incompetent, unwanted, and incapable of receiving love. You didn't just break my heart once, you broke it with every rude comment, every back-handed blog, and every time you've acted like I don't exist, for months.

Now I'm with someone who I'm confident won't hurt me like you've hurt me, because you really, really have. Someone who I trust, and respect, and makes me excited for the future. And you can't say a God Damned word about that. You can't treat someone the way you've treated me, and feel anything but apathy towards my happiness. And if you think that you can? Well, then you can go fuck off.

I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke. Congrats, I'm impressed, really. You know how to push people out like no one I've ever known.

Seeing clearly.

She said it perfectly, "I'm glad you two broke up, because he just really isn't the relationship type. He just isn't ready."

And there is nothing wrong with that! You focus on your friends, family, music, and fun, and you don't need anyone there with you through all that; that's just who you are, and nobody can change that except you. And I could wish and pray, and hope till the cows come home, but things will still be miserable. You wouldn't/couldn't, and I would/could. I can't hang on to a past who doesn't see me in their present or future, and that's been made quite clear.


But you see me. You see me like I wish I saw myself, and it's time that finally let myself be happy. The foreseeable future is approaching the horizon, and I'm rolling my eyes as we speak.

You make me feel.

You make me feel like I have something to prove; like I need to prove my confidence, or how happy I am. I can almost feel your judgmental eyes when we're in the same room, and it makes me really uncomfortable. It didn't used to be like that. Maybe that's just what happens, but if that's the case, than I'm not taking any part of it.

It kills me, the way the world is.
Literally.
I sat down to write about it, about how
every 15 seconds a woman is battered in the United States
about how a woman is raped every 1.3 minutes, about how
1 in 8 women develops breast cancer
and what I wrote was
I like you.
This is a problem. The world already has
too many of those. I already have too many
of those.
I sat down to write about how
desire and hate killed Matthew Shepard
and when I write desire
I think of you
I like you
my pen sprouts snuggly kittens and spring flowers and
I hate myself for it
I like you so much I had to have
therapy for it
and
I like you so much
I fucked other people
to get rid of it
and the weekend you went to Disneyland
I tried to grow mouse ears
I tried to be your e-ticket
I tried to grow up to be your
full-service hotel except
I won’t throw you out for
using bad words like they do
so if you say
oh, fuck me
oh, god
oh, take me
I’ll take you back to bed
I like you so much this
isn’t in my agenda; I like you so much but this
should be a poem about breast cancer
and I like you so much this
should be a poem about genocide
and I like you so much this
should be a poem about ending capitalism
smashing the state
stating the obvious
getting smashed
to tell you
I’ll fuck capitalism and patriarchy and totalitarianism
to get next to you
I will deep throat my politics
I will get more therapy that I won’t need if you’re near me
because therapy and politics are all about
making the world a little more perfect
when I close the door and it’s you and me
the world is a little more perfect
whenever you smile at me
in a world that doesn’t offer many smiles
the world is a little more perfect
the world is perfect
whenever
I’m with you

—	“The Personal is Political,” Daphne Gottlieb

Maybe I understand now.

You're just a man. You don't possess any magical healing powers, those are better left for time, and God. And well... modern medicine.

You make mistakes, you aren't perfect, you've caused me pain. But I'm not perfect, either. I make just as many mistakes, and I'm sure I've caused you pain, too.

My wish for you is to love without fear, and to be open with someone. Truly, and completely open. And if that's tomorrow, lovely. A year from now? Cool. You are the first and only man that I've ever loved, and I want you to have everything you've ever wanted. But more than that, everything you've ever needed. With or without me.

Regardless of time, distance, or what you've said or done; my feelings won't change. Maybe I won't be in love with you anymore, but I don't think I can stop loving you.

I'm sorry

I'm sorry that you feel the way you do, I really do. I know you're going to make that noise that you do, and make one of your three facial expressions, but I mean it. You mean so much, and I feel like my actions blatantly go against that. I know how hard it is to have all these feelings with no where to put them, no thrill of certain gains. And I wish that my feelings lined with my... well... other feelings. But as for now, they are at war, and you're in limbo. You deserve better, you're too wonderful to put up with this shit. Goodnight, and good talk.

Issues.

I don't think I have as many issues as you made me believe. Maybe I was too quick to agree that I am damaged goods. Sure, letting go isn't my strong suit, but I had reasoning's behind it all (typically lack of closure), but I'm not that bad. I'm not bad at all.

I'm okay.
I'm alright.
I'm good.
I'm great.
I'm fan-fucking-tastic (don't you love interjections?)

You haven't been on my mind.

Honestly.

No Shave November.

Why must everything good be ruined by ignorant people?

Now personally, I will continue shaving because I don't like when I have body hair. But that doesn't mean it's "disgusting", "nasty", or "sick" for women not to shave. How dare someone say "girls who participate in no shave november will also be participating in no d december."?! NEWS FLASH. WOMEN GROW BODY HAIR. IT'S NORMAL. Shaving wasn't even a norm until the 20th century, when razor companies thought they could sell more razors by suggesting that women should shave their legs and armpits. And shaving pubic hair wasn't even acceptable till the 1980's, when bathing suits started getting smaller and smaller.


And "No D December"? Really? Because a woman's leg hair is enough to repulse you from having sex, right? And the worth of a woman's sexuality is completely, 100% dependent on how much hair is on her body. Okay. Makes sense.


We're all aloud to have our preferences. I'm not denying that a lot of men don't like hairy ladies, and that's great! Find a lady who agrees, or a lady who is willing to compromise (because, lets be real, body hair is not that big of a deal). There are tons of women who feel the same way about men. But blanketing an entire gender's choice to simply NOT SHAVE as a foul, abomination to feminine sexuality baffles me. Get over yourselves, not getting your "D" for a month will not change my mind about shaving. Chances are, if you make such ignorant, sexist comments, I would never want your "D" in the first place.

so much.

So much I refuse to let myself say out loud, for fear of sounding pathetic. I'm jealous every time I see you two together, it's Wednesday, and I still check the flammable box sometimes to see if you're there.


I...
I--
I still--




I mean--


Of course I---



You've got to know that I--








Nevermind.

If only.

if you could feel what I feel, if you could see my heart...


You would understand. You wouldn't think the way you do. Or, at least I can hope.

It's happening, and I can feel it.

I think I'm happy about it. It's like it always happens. Painfully slowly, and then all at once.
It's looking out your window day after day, and it always being summer. Then one day, you look, and all the leaves have fallen without your notice.

It's carrying your backpack on all day, and then taking it off at day's end.
I mean... it's definitely time, I'm just apprehensive, as always.

"It sucks when someone you have feelings for doesn’t share those feelings; it happens to women all the time, too. We hear “I just want to be friends” and “you’re like one of the guys” and “you’re like a sister to me” just as often. But you’ll never hear a woman complain that guys just don’t appreciate a Nice Girl because we’re taught it’s our own fucking fault when we’re rejected—we aren’t pretty enough or thin enough or sexy enough, we weren’t sexual enough or were too sexual, we put out too much or too little or too soon or not soon enough, we didn’t wear our hair the right way or our skirt the right length, we’re “too tomboyish” or “too butch” or “too feminine”, or we’re “not their type”, or we’re otherwise not good enough in various ways to entice the man to grace us with his affection.
But when we’re not interested in someone, we’re vilified. We’re the bitch that led them on, the bitch who let them buy us dinner but didn’t want to date them, the bitch who doesn’t appreciate a nice guy, the bitch they were nice to and then got nothing in return from.

And, frankly, fuck those people. Showing interest in me, being friendly with me, getting close to me, or eating a meal with me (even if they paid for it) doesn’t obligate me to open my heart or my legs. And anyone who doesn’t appreciate my friendship sure as hell doesn’t deserve my love or my pussy."

There are letters you'll never see, and so many moments that we'll never share. This is what I've needed... I think. Balance is good, if only there was a way that--

Maybe it's best if I don't say anything. Ever.

recap.

Slow down, lie down
Remember it's just you and me
Don't sell out, bow out
Remember how this used to be

I just want you closer
Is that alright?
Baby let's get closer tonight

Grant my last request
And just let me hold you
Don't shrug your shoulders
Lay down beside me
Sure I can accept that we're going nowhere
But one last time just go there
Lay down beside me

Oh, I've found, that I'm bound
To wander down that one way road
And I realize all about your lies
But I'm no wiser than the fool I was before

I just want you closer
Is that alright?
Baby let's get closer tonight

Oh, baby, baby, baby
Tell me how can, how can this be wrong?


Yeah, lay down beside me

One last time let's go there
Lay down beside me

"You need to put yourself out there!"

I've been getting a lot of crap lately, both from friends and family. I'm being told almost regularly now that I need to "get myself out there," or that I need to "make a move on _____ or maybe _______, or even _____." I was told today (quite patronizingly, may I add) that "I'm going to be alone for a really long time if I don't start looking for a man."


Excuse me? That's bullshit. Is it such a hard concept to think that maybe I have more important things to think about starting a new relationship? Is it completely inconceivable that I should be absolutely happy with my own life before I get with someone else? If I've learned anything from these last few months, it's this: despite how wonderful a relationship is, if it isn't based with two emotionally stable people, it's going to fail. I'm the first to admit that there are problems I need to solve before I could be happy with someone else. I need to be strong on my own before becoming even stronger with someone else.


And what pisses me off even more, are that the same people who are telling me to move on, are the people who are completely discrediting my past relationship. Why? Why are you acting like I'm 5, and had a little crush on the boy across the playground? You patronized me when I told you I was genuinely happy, and that I'd never felt more beautiful with anyone. You patronized me when I cried myself to sleep after it ended. And you continue to patronize me when I tell you I neither want nor need to get a new boyfriend. I'm sorry I'm not as shallow as you wish I could be, that you never believed that my feelings were true, and that you think I'm being ridiculous for not bouncing back as quick as you want. And it's completely fucked for you to tell me I need a man in order to be complete. I don't. No one does. You are a whole person, with, or without a significant other.

Peace of mind?

I've found myself in a position I don't enjoy being in: inconsolable. I absolutely hate it; I feel weak and insecure, and nothing anyone says can make me feel any better. I'm just... a lumpy, teary mess for a period of time far too long to be considered "typical".


So what do I do? Listen to Christian music, of course. And within a song, I went from heaving on the floor, to sitting calmly on my bed. Tears stopped, fears cease, and insecurities no longer bother me. This is not to say that I'm "saved" or that I've "found God", because that's not true. I've been completely stuck behind this wall since I was in the 7th grade, where I physically can't make myself believe like I want. I can say I believe as much as I want, and can listen to as much music, or read from the bible enough to last a year, and... nothing. I've had people pray over me in the most emotional of settings, and yet there I stood, unphased.

I've seen how finding Jesus changes people, and consistently for the better. A friend of mine once told me that loving Jesus was true love, love I could never imagine. That it was everything that could ever complete me, and everything that I would ever need. How beautiful is that?



But I'm not the testimonials you hear at your churches. I'm not the inspiriting story of the woman on the corner, or the drug addict on the streets who found God and whose lives have completely changed. I'm not the atheist who will be taken in, almost as a challenge, in order to show all the people the power of Christianity.



I don't know where I fit. With my different opinions, and all my doubts. All I know is that the idea of loving a God as amazing as the God you've all painted a picture for me of is something that would be worth every hardship I have or could ever face.

No worries.

You won't be needing to pick my "broken pieces" up ever again.
I don't ever plan on contacting you after today.



thanks for being such a Good fucking Samaritan

you know?

"The way I'm feeling with them is like the way that you're feeling with ______ & _______, you know?"

"I don't think that's right, at all."

"Well I don't mean how close you are to them, I mean how what they say effects how you feel."

"Oh! I get what you're saying. So like when _______ says something sweet, it makes my day; but when _______ says something sweet, it's just another part of it."


I'm happy for you mom, I really am. You've given so much for me and my sister throughout the years, and you deserve to be happy. And I hope that this goes well for you, and that nothing comes to mess it up.

And I wish we could have been... better? Stronger? I don't have the right words (but when do I ever?). Because I think that you were the realest thing I've ever felt. I can go on, my life isn't empty without you here. You just made what was good, great. You made my okay days wonderful, just by being there. And every night, as I get ready for bed, I think about all the things that I'd tell you on the phone. And every night I realize that I can't call you, and it kind of sucks.

not that it matters

• according to a test I took, I'm actually identify more with the green party than the democratic.
• I listened to 19 for the first time, and it's quality. Much better than I judged it to be.
• I'm making a list of people who I need to apologize to, or who I need to tell something of importance, but have been putting it off for fear of... lots of things.
• I'm being honest when I haven't been in the past; telling people how it really is instead of sugar coating things.
• I'm done associating with people who talk about me behind my back. Well... I'm getting there.
• I don't say "slore" anymore.
• I like being involved, I like being a mentor, I'm enjoying what I previously haven't.
• I have diplomatic answers now, no longer am I giving bitter, one-sided answers.

But I still miss you terribly, and I'm not even going to pretend that I don't. But missing you is pointless if it's unrequited... so... somehow, someway, I will try and force myself to stop.

Sick

I'm sick of not being able to say what I mean because I'm too afraid of coming off pathetic, or annoying. I'm sick of being ignored when I try, and I'm sick of having friends who just talk about me behind my back.


We're 17. Not 5.

Chilling with Buddha.

I wish God or fate or destiny really had a voice. Like-- I wish I could have a sit down talk with Jesus/Buddha/Allah/whoever-the-hell about the meaning of life. I want them to give me a hug when I'm sad, and give me a high 5 when I get an A on that test that I studied for. I want them to say, "Daphne, everything is happening for a reason, and it's going to be pretty bad ass, trust me." You know? I want him to come to football games and cheer with us, and go to concerts with us, and cry while watching the titanic with us.

Literal. Physical.

I know he/she/it is supposed to be with us always, but none of us really know.


Maybe just a sign would be nice.... yeah... I think that would be good enough. Signs.

Everything

The world is such a beautiful place, but at the same time it's such a shitty place. I can't even decide which it's more of.

There are sunrises and sunsets every single day; there are beautiful, and intelligent people all around us. There is the smell of the ground after it rains, and the smell of crisp air when you walk outside at 6am. The way you feel after getting a great compliment, and how you almost feel better when you give a great compliment. How hard you laugh when it's 4am and you're sitting in a dark room with your bestfriends, and you're all so delusional that everything is hysterical. Hugging someone you love that you haven't seen in a really long time. The first kiss with someone you know you can grow to love. Coming out of your room on Christmas morning to the sound of "A Christmas Story" on TBS. Bowing after the first show of a new play, and knowing that everyone is cheering for all your hard work. Getting so overwhelmed by your passion for something, that you're almost on the brink of tears talking about it. Walking outside in the wee hours of the morning, and realizing how big the world really is. But even more than that, realizing how big the UNIVERSE is, and understanding how small all our your problems are. Making great memories, that will one day become great stories. These are the things that make life better.

However...
Seeing kids that have cancer, and understanding how completely unfair it is that their lives are being destroyed before they even begin. Watching the ASPCA commercials with the dogs that say "why do they keep beating me?" Thinking about the billions of people in this world who are literally starving to death, while you're eating a cheeseburger and fries. Hearing about millions of men and women being raped, killed, and beaten. Walking down the street, seeing all the homeless, and wondering how they got to that place. Knowing that one day, your mom and dad are going to die; and that you won't have their advice, and their love to guide you anymore. Getting your heartbroken for the very first time, and feeling like the world is crushing down on you. Feeling completely alone, even when you're in a group full of people. Rejection of all kinds. Natural disasters of any kind, and seeing that millions of people are dying from something that they had no control over. WAR. War over money, war over religion, war over natural resources, war over ignorance.

Comparing the two makes you really cherish every single moment you have, because somewhere, someone in the world is having their last.

Don't you fear, my love. Your sun will always rise.

what do you know about it.

You make it sound like passion is such a bad thing. What you'd like to do is just wait for close-minded people to die, rather than have a strong opinion about something now, rather than to fight about what's right now.

Where would we be if we applied that to everything political? We'd still have slaves. I wouldn't be aloud to get an education past 14, because I'd be too busy getting married at have babies. You wouldn't even exist, and if you did? You'd be one of the biggest taboo's of all.

You can't sit around and wait to have beliefs become reality. Things aren't going to change if people don't make them.



 Telling a woman that she wasn't "legitimately raped" is wrong. Telling a woman what she can and can't do with her body is wrong. Telling two gay men or women in love that they are unfit to raise a child, no matter how capable they may be, is wrong. And, according to you, stating those things is just as wrong. And it's not.


People believing that the right's of other people should be taken away because it doesn't match up with their beliefs is not something to just accept. And to sit around, never having an opinion about anything, is pacifistic.

Jesus.

If only I could believe as freely as others do.
Especially the things we don't all know to be true.

Well Apperently...

nearly every single book, movie, play, ect. ect. that I've ever found cute or charming is horrifyingly "misogynistic". 500 days of Summer. Breakfast at Tiffany's.Elizabeth Town. Almost Famous. When Harry Met Sally. Scott Pilgrim.  And obviously no self-respecting feminist would ever find them acceptable, much less adorable.

I don't watch Breakfast at Tiffany's and think, "wow, Paul is really protecting onto Holly the image of his ideal, perfect woman. He isn't seeing her as who she really is, what a pig!" No. I don't think that. I watch that movie and see a lady with some baggage and a man who finds her intriguing. As with all of those movies/books/ect..

I think Tom and Summer aren't meant to be together. I think that for a time; what they had was real, and true, and great. But Summer changed her mind, and Tom hadn't. Tom was heartbroken, not misogynistic. I would agree that he made Summer out to be more than she really was, but he was infatuated, not a douchebag. People seem to take Tom's infatuation, and make it into something it really isn't. If you found someone who loved everything you did, and saw the world in ways you hadn't, wouldn't you find them interesting? Wouldn't you want to know more? Wouldn't you think to yourself, "damn... they are pretty freaking cool, huh?"    

When women are infatuated it's seen as pathetic, and stalkerish. When men are infatuated they are either seen as A.) adorable, wonderful, caring or B.) Sexist. I don't see why it has to be seen like that. (to clarify, the affections of which I am talking about are unrequited.). People should be able to feel how they feel without being told they are pathetic, sexist, or adorable. If I were to be a man, and have a huge crush on a woman who didn't love me back, I would be upset enough without any name calling. Don't call me adorable, I'm obviously a hot mess. Don't call me sexist, I'm just heartbroken. Being heartbroken doesn't make you a douche, being an asshole makes you a douche. *cough cough* friendzone *cough cough*

maybe I'm just not looking hard enough... or maybe I'm looking at it from the wrong angle. But as of now, this is how I see it.

Oh... Ummm... Alright.

If you have to ask, you'll never know. If you already know, you need only ask.                                                          

guess I'll never know.

One week.

Why do I feel like adulthood is crushing itself all around me? If someone asks me one more time what I'm planning on doing with my life I might scream. I pretend like I know exactly what I want, but the truth is.... I don't. I have absolutely no clue. I thought I at least knew where I wanted to go to school after highschool, but now I'm not so sure. I don't think that 200 people per class sounds like a fantastic learning environment. Calculus last year would have been unbearable in a class of 30, much less 200. I need a job, I need money, I need to make up my mind, I need to apply to schools, I need, I need, I need.

Stressful. Holy Shit.

And I feel like Senior Year is just going to be a big ball of nerves, and indecision. But I can't be indecisive, this is my life. This is my future. I don't know if everyone feels this way, or if I am just naturally anxious. Well, we'll see, won't we?


PS. Having a panic attack at the Apple Store in San Francisco is not the most pleasant experience. 

I'm bringing a sweater

not willingly, might I add.

Note to self: drinking coffee at 8 o'clock at night is not going to help get your sleeping schedule back on track.

Note to self: I don't care.



I'll just go back to reading twilight. Because I'm still just a 13 year old girl with a potty mouth, no big deal. First boring night in quite some time, I need it. These next couple of weeks are going to be ridiculous. It seems like I can never de-stress, because something new is always happening to stir everything up.


On a separate note, I started sobbing whilst listening to Relient K the other day. I miss the days when I was consistently listening to them and Mariana's Trench. Deathbed is such an emotional song, though, I can't help but cry.

What is this?

Is this a twinge of excitement for the upcoming school year? Impossible!


I have a feeling this one might be the craziest yet, and for that, I am excited.

friends.

I think that's right, the way it should be. Mifuyu said it perfectly, "you guys have been so close for so long, that I can't imagine this ruining your friendship." I agree. I wasn't lying when I told you that you were my bestfriend. I have lady bestfriends, of course, but you are hands down the closest man in my life. I understand that we can't be there now, for obvious reasons. But once the bitterness, and the "relationship" feelings go away, I think things can be good again.

And you'll be my wonderful, platonic, bestfriend again. Because even though we want different things out of life, you and I as friends can have it all. We can have what we want, and we can have eachother's company, too. I can have my everything, and you can have your nothing, and we can grab a cup of coffee just because we want to. Because you are too important to me, you always have been, to lose you over this. I mean it.

To you

No, not you. A different you. I don't hate you, I don't even dislike you. You are a lovely, lovely young lady. I think that you are smart and eloquent, and kind. If we were closer, I would tell you all this in person. I was so confused when I heard what happened, and what you were told, because it is blatenly untrue. I hope you read this one day, and that you know who this is about. Because everyone deserves to know they aren't hated. And I don't.Really.                                                                                                                                             On a side note, I think this leadership thing is geting to me. I want to be more involved, meet more people, do more. More of everything.

I have nothing left to say.
I feel like someone threw a brick at my chest.
I'm going to go now.

I remember!

I remembered why I don't want school to start. I don't know how to function in a social setting... especially one like today. I wish I was with like minded people... I have nothing in common with a lot of these people. I look at them with blank stares because they are off having conversations about things I don't know anything about.  I obviously am too judgmental, and I know that... I need to work on it. I need to work on a lot of stuff; but who doesn't?

Maybe being back with people that I'm friends with will get me in a better mood. Or maybe I'm not the "leadership" type. I'd like to be, it's just the people I can't break through to. I'm kind of just shy, and I have nothing to say. I like watching, and I like listening. And then I feel awkward, because those kids aren't the watching and listening kind, and I feel weird being the only one not talking. Maybe the next few days will help me get better. I sure as hell hope so.

I need to be better, do better, feel better.

Actions speak louder than words

and your's spoke volumes.

I hope this is everything you wanted it to be...

Things are finally happening for me, and I'm quite excited. Adventure's on the way! :)

But:
No more dancing backstage...
No more cracking my thumbs...
No more trying to crack yours, but failing miserably...
No more letters...
No more standing in front of sprinklers...
No more late night phone calls when I have a nightmare...


Who knows, maybe this is exactly what you wanted it to be. Maybe you are having the time of your life, and I just wouldn't know. And that's the beauty of it.

punctuation.

"I want to change my punctuation. I long for exclamation marks, but I'm drowning in ellipses."

I need a change. I need an adventure. I need something that is going to make me see things differently. This sadness is going to stop, and I am going to grow from this. I will be stronger, better, tougher. I will be the exclamation mark in my own life. Because instead of taking this world on together, I am venturing out on my own; I'm going to need the strength of two. You aren't here, but I'm not alone.

stupidity.

Intelligence. Something that I obviously lack. I don't know what I thought was going to happen going last night... all I know is that I felt like an idiot. I guess I got some sort of closure out of it, I can now understand the outlines of your reasoning behind the past few weeks.

And as friendship goes... I don't know how it will be possible. I thought that it would be okay when you texted me, but seeing you completely changed my opinion. How am I supposed to look at you and not see what I've seen for such a long time? It's not a switch I can just turn off... and if you can... well than maybe I was wrong about how you felt about me in the first place. Don't talk to me for the next month... I need to clear my head. I don't mean for that to sound rude, I just don't know if I can have you in my life for a while. I meant all that I said to you before, just remember that.

explanations...

I honestly felt like I was more upset about this than you were... maybe you're just better at hiding your feelings. I'm just an open book when it comes to stuff like this.

I was so excited yesterday for, what in my head, was going to be a picture-perfect moment. But then you just didn't show up. And maybe I should have specified, or reminded you.. but I don't know... I thought that maybe it meant to you all that it meant to me. but I was wrong.

And I just wish that you had given me a reason other than "I don't know" or *shrug*, but maybe you really don't know... I just need clarification.

I never wanted to break up with you, we were in this to win this. We were both trying... but maybe that isn't enough sometimes. Maybe it just wasn't meant to be... but that doesn't make this hurt any less. I feel like puking, and crying, and hiding all at the same time. This is going to be really hard, and I'm going to miss you...

sad day.

I'm ruining you.

You were so good before me... I've taken all your innocence.

I don't know if I'll be able to forgive myself for this one.

When I'm sad it's because

•      I'm uninteresting
•      I'm untalented
•      I'm not worth it
•      Someone is hurting
•      I'm weak.

I'm sorry, I try so hard to be strong for you. For all of you...
Sometimes I fall short, sometimes my strength leaves me. I'll be better tomorrow, I always am.

Who knows anymore?
I don't.

Well damn.

If that's not something to think about, then what is?
I am... agnostic? I don't know, it's definitely debatable. I just haven't really figured out what I believe, so I'm searching. Yeah, that is my religious belief: searching. Maybe I'll always be like that, or maybe I'll find God one day, or become an atheist. Who knows, I might become neo-pagan like my mother! (unlikely, but still) The thing is, there just isn't proof for any of it. It's all based on faith, that's a scary thing.

It's hard for me to believe in something after this life, and like you said, I'm focusing too much on the logistics. Whether people have thumbs in heaven, or if they can have sex, or be with their family and friends, or can dream, or can listen to music. These are all things people enjoy here on earth, and I don't see why, if there is a heaven, why we can't enjoy the same things? If heaven really is the happiest, most peaceful place in existence, why can't we do the things that make us happy and peaceful?

And if there isn't an afterlife, then what was the point of Jesus at all? If he "died for our sins", but our sins don't send us to Hell, then what were we being saved from? If when you die that's all there is to it, what has Jesus saved you from? Questions.

Maybe

Maybe I want these "relationship" things more than I originally intended.
Meeting family, going to each others houses, spending nights together... they don't seem as repulsive as I once thought....


Somehow they're beginning to seem... interesting, and maybe... fun?
How upsetting.

Let's run away.

Stop this train.

Today I was walking out of the Grocery store, and my mom wanted to teach me to make bank deposits.

"No Mom, I don't want to grow up."
"Wow, that's something I never thought I'd hear you say."

It's happening. My content with the present is leaving... senior year is all about figuring out the next chapter, and making final plans. I'm not ready. I'm hardly ready for the present. I'm going to miss my mom, and my sister, and my friends... so much. But as for now, I'm going to crawl into bed. Because for at least today, I'm still here. I'm so scared. Everything I love is here, everything I've ever known is here. I don't want to grow up.




"Stop this train, I want to get off and go home again. I can't take the speed it's moving in, so honestly, won't someone stop this train?"

Stress.

I just hope that all the insanity will calm itself. That soon I'll be back to blue skies, and clear seas. However, as of now, that's not looking possible. And you want to know why?

Because I'm not dealing with any of it. I have too much homework, so what do I do? I don't do any.
My parents are screaming at eachother daily, so what do I do? Pretend it's not happening.
I need to study for the SAT's, so what do I do? Talk on the phone.

I just want all the problems to disappear by themselves, but as time goes on, they just keep getting worse. And it's my lack of motivation to solve problems, and my fear of hurting other people that's just snowballing everything.


And on top of that, I'm freaking out over what people must think.  I know I shouldn't, that is was my decision... but it's still scary to think about. Because even though we've basically been like this for years, we've only technically been like this for months. And it makes me feel dirty. Because people don't know what's been happening since we were 13 years old, they only know what's been happening since March. It's not too soon for me, but I worry what others are thinking. Being "that girl" is one of the biggest fears I have. I've been seen as "that girl" before (mistakenly, but that's not the point), and it's not something I ever want to be again. When people start seeing you as "that girl", even if you aren't, you start to believe it. I'm not. I have morals, and I have convictions. Maybe they aren't the same as others, but that doesn't make them less valid. I just want people to like me...how pathetic.

You have been the best boulder anyone could ask for. I only hope I've been half the boulder you are.


I hope we boulder on for years to come... Only 1 year, 3 months till our adventures together end. It's going to be rough.

Mini Rant.

I am really sick of the girls who think that because they don't wear makeup, they are somehow "better" than those of us who do. I'm sure you've all heard it, or seen it.



"I'm not one of those girls who need makeup to feel beautiful."
"Makeup is just a way to cover your insecurities."
"Girls only wear makeup to hide behind their insecurities."



Last time I checked, we as humans do a lot to feel better about ourselves. Why do we try and dress in silhouettes that flatter our shape? Why don't all of us just walk around naked, and let every lump and bump hang out? Why? I'll tell you why. We are trying to feel good about ourselves. When has that made us less of a person? If someone does something that makes them feel good about themselves, let them. It's not any of our places to judge someone because they feel prettier when they wear mascara. Unless you are a fresh-faced nudist, who has never cut their hair in their lives, you do something to "hide your insecurities".

And sure, confidence is always what we should be working towards. You should feel good about yourselves, but it's not always that simple. For example, I am not the bustiest woman in the world. I feel like they are disproportional to the rest of my body. I've tried just "getting over it", but that doesn't make me feel any better. Instead of just accepting what I don't like about myself, I'm trying to make myself look, in my opinion, better. I wear what I wear not to impress boys, or to impress girls, but to impress myself.

Do whatever makes you feel confident. Whether that be not wearing any makeup at all, or piling on the royal blue eyeshadow. Whether that be getting a boob job, or wearing 6 inch heels everyday (which I wouldn't advise, due to future foot problems you may experience). We shouldn't judge people for feeling beautiful in their own ways. 

That is all :)

Hey, are you okay?
Yeah, I'm just tired. *leaves*
Oh... umm... alright... bye?

I don't know what to do anymore; I feel like I'm trying so hard, and you aren't meeting me half way. And I don't even have an explanation... I wish I could tell what's going on. 

breakdown.

I know exactly what I want.
But I don't know how to say it.

I want to be able to handle stress without shattering Buddha. I want to know what I'm talking about.
I want to not need you. I want to be able to take on all this weight by myself. I want to be the hero of my strory. I want to be my own savior.

But I'm not. I'm fragile, and I'm weak. I'm ever single character Ms. Fineman has ever cast me as. I am Betty fucking Crocker. I cry. ALL THE TIME. Hell, I'm crying now. I'm so sick it. For once, I want to be Antigone. I don't want to be sweet, and innocent, and cute. I want people to take me seriously. But for some reason, any sort of femininity is weakness. And I just ooze femininity... from my face, to my clothes, to my words. I wish that I could be girly, and strong. I wish people accepted that as a fucking possibility in this world. I wish I could be friends with guys without being seen as this bitch who just puts them in the friendzone. I'm sorry? I'm sorry that my friendship isn't enough for you... that if I can appreciate you as a person without wanting to marry & make babies with you, I'm leading you on.


MELTDOWN, HELL YEAH.

Embarassment.

Scale of 1-10?
12.


I can go crawl in a hole and die, now.

you're growing sick of me... I can feel it.

Here we go again...

Today is the day from Hell.
It literally seems like nothing is going right, and I'm left stranded in the middle of nowhere. Literally. Twice.
The good news is that tomorrow is Easter! Easter is the sweetest holiday of the year. Just the colors that you correlate with Easter make me happy. Christmas is red, green, gold. Valentines day is deep reds and pinks. Every national holiday is red, white, and blue. But Easter? Every pastel ever created. I LOVE PASTELS. This is a blog of absolutely no merit, I am on a tangent about colors. Wow.

But really. Lavender. Nuff' said. Bunnies, and Jesus, and eggs. Speaking of eggs, I really want to color some. Speaking of Jesus, I was supposed to go to the Easter Vigil tonight at 9, but my grandma thought that it was too late. Which I don't completely disagree with. It wouldn't end until 12:30, which is pretty late for my grandma. But I literally love the crap out of her. She has had to deal with such struggles in her life, and she is such a caring, strong woman. I told her that I was naming my first baby girl after her... well, I'm giving her the middle name my grandma has. Alta. It's not the prettiest of names, but I really want her to have it. I can't even explain how much I love that woman. I was shocked in 2008, when my grandma, a woman in her mid 70's, and a republican all her life, voted for Obama. Badass.

Oh, and you. The other day was just perfect, and I wish we could have millions more just like it. :)

It's so hard...

to believe in any sort of lasting love, when you two are all I can hear. Contstantly. 24/7.
Please stop. For the love of God. For the love of all things holy. CUT IT THE FUCK OUT.

I want to know your plans

I don't know how to do this... so this is my feeble attempt at cute.

You're every sappy song I hear, every romantic movie I watch, every picture on tumblr. They are all you, to me. And if we aren't speaking a month from now, or a year from now, I will remember this time in my life as the calmest, most loving time I could have ever wanted. In the midst of all the crazy, you are the thing keeping me tied. I hope that I'm having a similar effect on you; I hope I'm the light in your darkness, because God knows you're mine.


"You're what keeps me believing this world's not gone dead."

Memories

“Memory is a complicated thing, a relative to truth, but not its twin.” - Barbra Kingsolver

I think that it's human nature to do this; to make up the past to be something either so magnificent, or so terrible. It's what makes middle-aged men reminisce about their "golden years", and what makes middle-aged mothers turn into stage moms. You want your life to seem more meaningful than it actually was. I know I do it, with pretty much every memory I have.

I have made my 10th grade year seem like this untouchable, truely wonderful thing in my mind. I've made myself believe that everything was so dramatic, and crazy-- that my life was Degrassi, or Gossip Girl. There is a reason those are fictional TV shows, because things (at least, in my life) aren't that exciting. I had boy problems. Big whoop. I had numerous "new life experiences" as Brenna likes to call them. It's called growing up. It's called being a teenager. It's not this ridiculous, highlight of my life.

I am going to do things one day that truely are great; that truely are magnificent. Things that aren't overexaggerations in my mind, but things of actual importance. Helping people, marrying someone I love. Helping the poor, and the sick, and the destitute. These things that have happened in my highschool years won't be "golden", they will be practice for what's yet to come.

Sweet Disposition

Still, to this day, one of the best compliments I've ever gotten was from the lunch lady at Washington. I'd say 3 days out of the week, I get a brownie and chocolate milk, and have cordial conversation with the lunch ladies. Finally one day, one of them stopped me before I left to sit down. She told me that I had the "sweetest little disposition she'd ever seen, and she hopes I never lose it." It made my day. It made my week. There is a possibility that it even made my month.

I guess I just always thought; or at least hoped, that kids would respect people, and be nice when given the opportunity. Maybe I just take for granted that I believe respect is such a big deal. It hasn't come from religion, it hasn't come from my parents, it just came from my common sense. At Cispus, we had to take a survey about the 8 essentials of leadership. I scored a 95% on respect. I got a 9% on forgiveness, but that's another issue. I just don't get why people feel the need to be so inconsiderate of other peoples' feelings.

This was made so clear to me in my first period class today. There is a girl in my class, who isn't all the way there. People openly make fun of her, and even my teacher ridicules her regularly. Today, a group of boys in my class were back-handedly making fun of her, and she got really worked up and called them all idiots. The teacher kicked HER out of the room, and left her outside for 15 minutes. I just feel like my teacher is biased to anyone who doesn't either: A.) Play sports, or B.) Plan on joining the military. Those are literally the only thing I ever catch him talking with students about. Music? Academia? Art? All of little to no importance to him. And it's apperent to anyone that looks.

I guess the moral of my rant is just that people need to find it in themselves to respect one other. Putting people down for their differences is not making you look "cool", or "funny". It's making you look like a dick. Cut it out.

I do Augustus, I do.

I'll hold my breath

I can tell the exact moment where you aren't yourself anymore. You don't say much, and you don't laugh like usual. I don't know if you're annoyed, and mad; I don't even know if other people notice it. Sometimes I try and be happy, and make jokes, but you just don't react. And then I feel uncomfortable. Other times I just shut up, and sit there. Again, I feel sort of uncomfortable.

It only lasts for a little bit, but still... I just wonder why, and if it's ever my fault.

Today.

• Shower
• Hang up my clothes
• Clean my room
• Study Calculus
• Get my portforlio shit in order
• Laundry :)
• Write you a letter
• Drive

Obviously I have a busy social life, huh?

Something is changing in me.

I can feel it. I was really thinking about my plans for the future tonight, while watching a political campaign for Barak Obama. And the more I thought, the more I questioned my previous plans for what I wanted to persue. When I go into my portfolio conference on Monday, I'm required to talk about how the classes I'm taking now relate to what I want to do after High School. However, I ran into a little problem.

They Don't.

I hate Chemistry, which I feel might be vitally important to a doctor. I have taken 10 elective courses, Bio-med not being one of them. I don't have the slightest idea what I am going to say when I'm standing in front of Stanzyck. But then I came to a realization. I'm not "passionate" about medicine. I don't go to hospitals feeling giddy and excited. I'm passionate about helping people, and making lives better. Obviously there must be a career better suited to my passions and beliefs, right?

And it hit me. I just spent 30 minutes watching and informational video on the election. And I do it often. I become enthralled, and impassioned when I have to deal with my political beliefs. Because they literally affect every element of social life in America. I mean, how couldn't one get into their beliefs? There is a whole field of study that I could dedicate my life to that revolves around it. Politics are constantly changing, and so would my views. Now, I'm not saying I want to be President of the United States, or even Governor of Washington. Political advisor, maybe? Campeign organizer? It's a new idea for me...

And I like it :)

Come Away to the Water

The three of you are in my hearts.
You, finally getting engaged after years of being in love.
You, with a new mother on the way, and a wonderful father who might not be here.
You, not knowing what's coming next.

Also, the three of you are in my hearts, as well.
You, dealing with the fact that your mother died of cancer the same age your wife is now.
You, being so small, and having to deal with such sadness.
You, having your life cut short when you've done nothing to deserve it. You really haven't. You have literally done everything in your power to be healthy.

None of you deserve what'd been thrown on you, and I wish you nothing but love.