Right back at ya.

I'm absolutely livid. You don't get to commentate on anything I do, anyone I'm with, or anything I say. EVER AGAIN. You don't get to feel anything towards me anymore.

You have treated me like literal shit since August. You have said a myriad of adorable things, like, "I don't love you", "You're hateful", "SHUT THE FUCK UP", "I don't like being around you", "You've changed", "I don't want to pick up your broken pieces", "I don't want to be there for you anymore", and probable worse things behind my back.

All I ever wanted to do was love you, and you returned the favor by making me feel incompetent, unwanted, and incapable of receiving love. You didn't just break my heart once, you broke it with every rude comment, every back-handed blog, and every time you've acted like I don't exist, for months.

Now I'm with someone who I'm confident won't hurt me like you've hurt me, because you really, really have. Someone who I trust, and respect, and makes me excited for the future. And you can't say a God Damned word about that. You can't treat someone the way you've treated me, and feel anything but apathy towards my happiness. And if you think that you can? Well, then you can go fuck off.

I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke. Congrats, I'm impressed, really. You know how to push people out like no one I've ever known.

Seeing clearly.

She said it perfectly, "I'm glad you two broke up, because he just really isn't the relationship type. He just isn't ready."

And there is nothing wrong with that! You focus on your friends, family, music, and fun, and you don't need anyone there with you through all that; that's just who you are, and nobody can change that except you. And I could wish and pray, and hope till the cows come home, but things will still be miserable. You wouldn't/couldn't, and I would/could. I can't hang on to a past who doesn't see me in their present or future, and that's been made quite clear.


But you see me. You see me like I wish I saw myself, and it's time that finally let myself be happy. The foreseeable future is approaching the horizon, and I'm rolling my eyes as we speak.

You make me feel.

You make me feel like I have something to prove; like I need to prove my confidence, or how happy I am. I can almost feel your judgmental eyes when we're in the same room, and it makes me really uncomfortable. It didn't used to be like that. Maybe that's just what happens, but if that's the case, than I'm not taking any part of it.

It kills me, the way the world is.
Literally.
I sat down to write about it, about how
every 15 seconds a woman is battered in the United States
about how a woman is raped every 1.3 minutes, about how
1 in 8 women develops breast cancer
and what I wrote was
I like you.
This is a problem. The world already has
too many of those. I already have too many
of those.
I sat down to write about how
desire and hate killed Matthew Shepard
and when I write desire
I think of you
I like you
my pen sprouts snuggly kittens and spring flowers and
I hate myself for it
I like you so much I had to have
therapy for it
and
I like you so much
I fucked other people
to get rid of it
and the weekend you went to Disneyland
I tried to grow mouse ears
I tried to be your e-ticket
I tried to grow up to be your
full-service hotel except
I won’t throw you out for
using bad words like they do
so if you say
oh, fuck me
oh, god
oh, take me
I’ll take you back to bed
I like you so much this
isn’t in my agenda; I like you so much but this
should be a poem about breast cancer
and I like you so much this
should be a poem about genocide
and I like you so much this
should be a poem about ending capitalism
smashing the state
stating the obvious
getting smashed
to tell you
I’ll fuck capitalism and patriarchy and totalitarianism
to get next to you
I will deep throat my politics
I will get more therapy that I won’t need if you’re near me
because therapy and politics are all about
making the world a little more perfect
when I close the door and it’s you and me
the world is a little more perfect
whenever you smile at me
in a world that doesn’t offer many smiles
the world is a little more perfect
the world is perfect
whenever
I’m with you

—	“The Personal is Political,” Daphne Gottlieb

Maybe I understand now.

You're just a man. You don't possess any magical healing powers, those are better left for time, and God. And well... modern medicine.

You make mistakes, you aren't perfect, you've caused me pain. But I'm not perfect, either. I make just as many mistakes, and I'm sure I've caused you pain, too.

My wish for you is to love without fear, and to be open with someone. Truly, and completely open. And if that's tomorrow, lovely. A year from now? Cool. You are the first and only man that I've ever loved, and I want you to have everything you've ever wanted. But more than that, everything you've ever needed. With or without me.

Regardless of time, distance, or what you've said or done; my feelings won't change. Maybe I won't be in love with you anymore, but I don't think I can stop loving you.

I'm sorry

I'm sorry that you feel the way you do, I really do. I know you're going to make that noise that you do, and make one of your three facial expressions, but I mean it. You mean so much, and I feel like my actions blatantly go against that. I know how hard it is to have all these feelings with no where to put them, no thrill of certain gains. And I wish that my feelings lined with my... well... other feelings. But as for now, they are at war, and you're in limbo. You deserve better, you're too wonderful to put up with this shit. Goodnight, and good talk.

Issues.

I don't think I have as many issues as you made me believe. Maybe I was too quick to agree that I am damaged goods. Sure, letting go isn't my strong suit, but I had reasoning's behind it all (typically lack of closure), but I'm not that bad. I'm not bad at all.

I'm okay.
I'm alright.
I'm good.
I'm great.
I'm fan-fucking-tastic (don't you love interjections?)

You haven't been on my mind.

Honestly.

No Shave November.

Why must everything good be ruined by ignorant people?

Now personally, I will continue shaving because I don't like when I have body hair. But that doesn't mean it's "disgusting", "nasty", or "sick" for women not to shave. How dare someone say "girls who participate in no shave november will also be participating in no d december."?! NEWS FLASH. WOMEN GROW BODY HAIR. IT'S NORMAL. Shaving wasn't even a norm until the 20th century, when razor companies thought they could sell more razors by suggesting that women should shave their legs and armpits. And shaving pubic hair wasn't even acceptable till the 1980's, when bathing suits started getting smaller and smaller.


And "No D December"? Really? Because a woman's leg hair is enough to repulse you from having sex, right? And the worth of a woman's sexuality is completely, 100% dependent on how much hair is on her body. Okay. Makes sense.


We're all aloud to have our preferences. I'm not denying that a lot of men don't like hairy ladies, and that's great! Find a lady who agrees, or a lady who is willing to compromise (because, lets be real, body hair is not that big of a deal). There are tons of women who feel the same way about men. But blanketing an entire gender's choice to simply NOT SHAVE as a foul, abomination to feminine sexuality baffles me. Get over yourselves, not getting your "D" for a month will not change my mind about shaving. Chances are, if you make such ignorant, sexist comments, I would never want your "D" in the first place.