so much.

So much I refuse to let myself say out loud, for fear of sounding pathetic. I'm jealous every time I see you two together, it's Wednesday, and I still check the flammable box sometimes to see if you're there.


I...
I--
I still--




I mean--


Of course I---



You've got to know that I--








Nevermind.

If only.

if you could feel what I feel, if you could see my heart...


You would understand. You wouldn't think the way you do. Or, at least I can hope.

It's happening, and I can feel it.

I think I'm happy about it. It's like it always happens. Painfully slowly, and then all at once.
It's looking out your window day after day, and it always being summer. Then one day, you look, and all the leaves have fallen without your notice.

It's carrying your backpack on all day, and then taking it off at day's end.
I mean... it's definitely time, I'm just apprehensive, as always.

"It sucks when someone you have feelings for doesn’t share those feelings; it happens to women all the time, too. We hear “I just want to be friends” and “you’re like one of the guys” and “you’re like a sister to me” just as often. But you’ll never hear a woman complain that guys just don’t appreciate a Nice Girl because we’re taught it’s our own fucking fault when we’re rejected—we aren’t pretty enough or thin enough or sexy enough, we weren’t sexual enough or were too sexual, we put out too much or too little or too soon or not soon enough, we didn’t wear our hair the right way or our skirt the right length, we’re “too tomboyish” or “too butch” or “too feminine”, or we’re “not their type”, or we’re otherwise not good enough in various ways to entice the man to grace us with his affection.
But when we’re not interested in someone, we’re vilified. We’re the bitch that led them on, the bitch who let them buy us dinner but didn’t want to date them, the bitch who doesn’t appreciate a nice guy, the bitch they were nice to and then got nothing in return from.

And, frankly, fuck those people. Showing interest in me, being friendly with me, getting close to me, or eating a meal with me (even if they paid for it) doesn’t obligate me to open my heart or my legs. And anyone who doesn’t appreciate my friendship sure as hell doesn’t deserve my love or my pussy."

There are letters you'll never see, and so many moments that we'll never share. This is what I've needed... I think. Balance is good, if only there was a way that--

Maybe it's best if I don't say anything. Ever.

recap.

Slow down, lie down
Remember it's just you and me
Don't sell out, bow out
Remember how this used to be

I just want you closer
Is that alright?
Baby let's get closer tonight

Grant my last request
And just let me hold you
Don't shrug your shoulders
Lay down beside me
Sure I can accept that we're going nowhere
But one last time just go there
Lay down beside me

Oh, I've found, that I'm bound
To wander down that one way road
And I realize all about your lies
But I'm no wiser than the fool I was before

I just want you closer
Is that alright?
Baby let's get closer tonight

Oh, baby, baby, baby
Tell me how can, how can this be wrong?


Yeah, lay down beside me

One last time let's go there
Lay down beside me

"You need to put yourself out there!"

I've been getting a lot of crap lately, both from friends and family. I'm being told almost regularly now that I need to "get myself out there," or that I need to "make a move on _____ or maybe _______, or even _____." I was told today (quite patronizingly, may I add) that "I'm going to be alone for a really long time if I don't start looking for a man."


Excuse me? That's bullshit. Is it such a hard concept to think that maybe I have more important things to think about starting a new relationship? Is it completely inconceivable that I should be absolutely happy with my own life before I get with someone else? If I've learned anything from these last few months, it's this: despite how wonderful a relationship is, if it isn't based with two emotionally stable people, it's going to fail. I'm the first to admit that there are problems I need to solve before I could be happy with someone else. I need to be strong on my own before becoming even stronger with someone else.


And what pisses me off even more, are that the same people who are telling me to move on, are the people who are completely discrediting my past relationship. Why? Why are you acting like I'm 5, and had a little crush on the boy across the playground? You patronized me when I told you I was genuinely happy, and that I'd never felt more beautiful with anyone. You patronized me when I cried myself to sleep after it ended. And you continue to patronize me when I tell you I neither want nor need to get a new boyfriend. I'm sorry I'm not as shallow as you wish I could be, that you never believed that my feelings were true, and that you think I'm being ridiculous for not bouncing back as quick as you want. And it's completely fucked for you to tell me I need a man in order to be complete. I don't. No one does. You are a whole person, with, or without a significant other.

Peace of mind?

I've found myself in a position I don't enjoy being in: inconsolable. I absolutely hate it; I feel weak and insecure, and nothing anyone says can make me feel any better. I'm just... a lumpy, teary mess for a period of time far too long to be considered "typical".


So what do I do? Listen to Christian music, of course. And within a song, I went from heaving on the floor, to sitting calmly on my bed. Tears stopped, fears cease, and insecurities no longer bother me. This is not to say that I'm "saved" or that I've "found God", because that's not true. I've been completely stuck behind this wall since I was in the 7th grade, where I physically can't make myself believe like I want. I can say I believe as much as I want, and can listen to as much music, or read from the bible enough to last a year, and... nothing. I've had people pray over me in the most emotional of settings, and yet there I stood, unphased.

I've seen how finding Jesus changes people, and consistently for the better. A friend of mine once told me that loving Jesus was true love, love I could never imagine. That it was everything that could ever complete me, and everything that I would ever need. How beautiful is that?



But I'm not the testimonials you hear at your churches. I'm not the inspiriting story of the woman on the corner, or the drug addict on the streets who found God and whose lives have completely changed. I'm not the atheist who will be taken in, almost as a challenge, in order to show all the people the power of Christianity.



I don't know where I fit. With my different opinions, and all my doubts. All I know is that the idea of loving a God as amazing as the God you've all painted a picture for me of is something that would be worth every hardship I have or could ever face.