No worries.

You won't be needing to pick my "broken pieces" up ever again.
I don't ever plan on contacting you after today.



thanks for being such a Good fucking Samaritan

you know?

"The way I'm feeling with them is like the way that you're feeling with ______ & _______, you know?"

"I don't think that's right, at all."

"Well I don't mean how close you are to them, I mean how what they say effects how you feel."

"Oh! I get what you're saying. So like when _______ says something sweet, it makes my day; but when _______ says something sweet, it's just another part of it."


I'm happy for you mom, I really am. You've given so much for me and my sister throughout the years, and you deserve to be happy. And I hope that this goes well for you, and that nothing comes to mess it up.

And I wish we could have been... better? Stronger? I don't have the right words (but when do I ever?). Because I think that you were the realest thing I've ever felt. I can go on, my life isn't empty without you here. You just made what was good, great. You made my okay days wonderful, just by being there. And every night, as I get ready for bed, I think about all the things that I'd tell you on the phone. And every night I realize that I can't call you, and it kind of sucks.

not that it matters

• according to a test I took, I'm actually identify more with the green party than the democratic.
• I listened to 19 for the first time, and it's quality. Much better than I judged it to be.
• I'm making a list of people who I need to apologize to, or who I need to tell something of importance, but have been putting it off for fear of... lots of things.
• I'm being honest when I haven't been in the past; telling people how it really is instead of sugar coating things.
• I'm done associating with people who talk about me behind my back. Well... I'm getting there.
• I don't say "slore" anymore.
• I like being involved, I like being a mentor, I'm enjoying what I previously haven't.
• I have diplomatic answers now, no longer am I giving bitter, one-sided answers.

But I still miss you terribly, and I'm not even going to pretend that I don't. But missing you is pointless if it's unrequited... so... somehow, someway, I will try and force myself to stop.

Sick

I'm sick of not being able to say what I mean because I'm too afraid of coming off pathetic, or annoying. I'm sick of being ignored when I try, and I'm sick of having friends who just talk about me behind my back.


We're 17. Not 5.

Chilling with Buddha.

I wish God or fate or destiny really had a voice. Like-- I wish I could have a sit down talk with Jesus/Buddha/Allah/whoever-the-hell about the meaning of life. I want them to give me a hug when I'm sad, and give me a high 5 when I get an A on that test that I studied for. I want them to say, "Daphne, everything is happening for a reason, and it's going to be pretty bad ass, trust me." You know? I want him to come to football games and cheer with us, and go to concerts with us, and cry while watching the titanic with us.

Literal. Physical.

I know he/she/it is supposed to be with us always, but none of us really know.


Maybe just a sign would be nice.... yeah... I think that would be good enough. Signs.

Everything

The world is such a beautiful place, but at the same time it's such a shitty place. I can't even decide which it's more of.

There are sunrises and sunsets every single day; there are beautiful, and intelligent people all around us. There is the smell of the ground after it rains, and the smell of crisp air when you walk outside at 6am. The way you feel after getting a great compliment, and how you almost feel better when you give a great compliment. How hard you laugh when it's 4am and you're sitting in a dark room with your bestfriends, and you're all so delusional that everything is hysterical. Hugging someone you love that you haven't seen in a really long time. The first kiss with someone you know you can grow to love. Coming out of your room on Christmas morning to the sound of "A Christmas Story" on TBS. Bowing after the first show of a new play, and knowing that everyone is cheering for all your hard work. Getting so overwhelmed by your passion for something, that you're almost on the brink of tears talking about it. Walking outside in the wee hours of the morning, and realizing how big the world really is. But even more than that, realizing how big the UNIVERSE is, and understanding how small all our your problems are. Making great memories, that will one day become great stories. These are the things that make life better.

However...
Seeing kids that have cancer, and understanding how completely unfair it is that their lives are being destroyed before they even begin. Watching the ASPCA commercials with the dogs that say "why do they keep beating me?" Thinking about the billions of people in this world who are literally starving to death, while you're eating a cheeseburger and fries. Hearing about millions of men and women being raped, killed, and beaten. Walking down the street, seeing all the homeless, and wondering how they got to that place. Knowing that one day, your mom and dad are going to die; and that you won't have their advice, and their love to guide you anymore. Getting your heartbroken for the very first time, and feeling like the world is crushing down on you. Feeling completely alone, even when you're in a group full of people. Rejection of all kinds. Natural disasters of any kind, and seeing that millions of people are dying from something that they had no control over. WAR. War over money, war over religion, war over natural resources, war over ignorance.

Comparing the two makes you really cherish every single moment you have, because somewhere, someone in the world is having their last.