Friday, June 15, 2012
I'm ruining you.
You were so good before me... I've taken all your innocence.
I don't know if I'll be able to forgive myself for this one.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Friday, June 8, 2012
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Well damn.
If that's not something to think about, then what is?
I am... agnostic? I don't know, it's definitely debatable. I just haven't really figured out what I believe, so I'm searching. Yeah, that is my religious belief: searching. Maybe I'll always be like that, or maybe I'll find God one day, or become an atheist. Who knows, I might become neo-pagan like my mother! (unlikely, but still) The thing is, there just isn't proof for any of it. It's all based on faith, that's a scary thing.
It's hard for me to believe in something after this life, and like you said, I'm focusing too much on the logistics. Whether people have thumbs in heaven, or if they can have sex, or be with their family and friends, or can dream, or can listen to music. These are all things people enjoy here on earth, and I don't see why, if there is a heaven, why we can't enjoy the same things? If heaven really is the happiest, most peaceful place in existence, why can't we do the things that make us happy and peaceful?
And if there isn't an afterlife, then what was the point of Jesus at all? If he "died for our sins", but our sins don't send us to Hell, then what were we being saved from? If when you die that's all there is to it, what has Jesus saved you from? Questions.
I am... agnostic? I don't know, it's definitely debatable. I just haven't really figured out what I believe, so I'm searching. Yeah, that is my religious belief: searching. Maybe I'll always be like that, or maybe I'll find God one day, or become an atheist. Who knows, I might become neo-pagan like my mother! (unlikely, but still) The thing is, there just isn't proof for any of it. It's all based on faith, that's a scary thing.
It's hard for me to believe in something after this life, and like you said, I'm focusing too much on the logistics. Whether people have thumbs in heaven, or if they can have sex, or be with their family and friends, or can dream, or can listen to music. These are all things people enjoy here on earth, and I don't see why, if there is a heaven, why we can't enjoy the same things? If heaven really is the happiest, most peaceful place in existence, why can't we do the things that make us happy and peaceful?
And if there isn't an afterlife, then what was the point of Jesus at all? If he "died for our sins", but our sins don't send us to Hell, then what were we being saved from? If when you die that's all there is to it, what has Jesus saved you from? Questions.
Monday, June 4, 2012
Maybe
Maybe I want these "relationship" things more than I originally intended.
Meeting family, going to each others houses, spending nights together... they don't seem as repulsive as I once thought....
Somehow they're beginning to seem... interesting, and maybe... fun?
How upsetting.
Meeting family, going to each others houses, spending nights together... they don't seem as repulsive as I once thought....
Somehow they're beginning to seem... interesting, and maybe... fun?
How upsetting.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Stop this train.
Today I was walking out of the Grocery store, and my mom wanted to teach me to make bank deposits.
"No Mom, I don't want to grow up."
"Wow, that's something I never thought I'd hear you say."
It's happening. My content with the present is leaving... senior year is all about figuring out the next chapter, and making final plans. I'm not ready. I'm hardly ready for the present. I'm going to miss my mom, and my sister, and my friends... so much. But as for now, I'm going to crawl into bed. Because for at least today, I'm still here. I'm so scared. Everything I love is here, everything I've ever known is here. I don't want to grow up.
"Stop this train, I want to get off and go home again. I can't take the speed it's moving in, so honestly, won't someone stop this train?"
"No Mom, I don't want to grow up."
"Wow, that's something I never thought I'd hear you say."
It's happening. My content with the present is leaving... senior year is all about figuring out the next chapter, and making final plans. I'm not ready. I'm hardly ready for the present. I'm going to miss my mom, and my sister, and my friends... so much. But as for now, I'm going to crawl into bed. Because for at least today, I'm still here. I'm so scared. Everything I love is here, everything I've ever known is here. I don't want to grow up.
"Stop this train, I want to get off and go home again. I can't take the speed it's moving in, so honestly, won't someone stop this train?"
Friday, June 1, 2012
Stress.
I just hope that all the insanity will calm itself. That soon I'll be back to blue skies, and clear seas. However, as of now, that's not looking possible. And you want to know why?
Because I'm not dealing with any of it. I have too much homework, so what do I do? I don't do any.
My parents are screaming at eachother daily, so what do I do? Pretend it's not happening.
I need to study for the SAT's, so what do I do? Talk on the phone.
I just want all the problems to disappear by themselves, but as time goes on, they just keep getting worse. And it's my lack of motivation to solve problems, and my fear of hurting other people that's just snowballing everything.
And on top of that, I'm freaking out over what people must think. I know I shouldn't, that is was my decision... but it's still scary to think about. Because even though we've basically been like this for years, we've only technically been like this for months. And it makes me feel dirty. Because people don't know what's been happening since we were 13 years old, they only know what's been happening since March. It's not too soon for me, but I worry what others are thinking. Being "that girl" is one of the biggest fears I have. I've been seen as "that girl" before (mistakenly, but that's not the point), and it's not something I ever want to be again. When people start seeing you as "that girl", even if you aren't, you start to believe it. I'm not. I have morals, and I have convictions. Maybe they aren't the same as others, but that doesn't make them less valid. I just want people to like me...how pathetic.
Because I'm not dealing with any of it. I have too much homework, so what do I do? I don't do any.
My parents are screaming at eachother daily, so what do I do? Pretend it's not happening.
I need to study for the SAT's, so what do I do? Talk on the phone.
I just want all the problems to disappear by themselves, but as time goes on, they just keep getting worse. And it's my lack of motivation to solve problems, and my fear of hurting other people that's just snowballing everything.
And on top of that, I'm freaking out over what people must think. I know I shouldn't, that is was my decision... but it's still scary to think about. Because even though we've basically been like this for years, we've only technically been like this for months. And it makes me feel dirty. Because people don't know what's been happening since we were 13 years old, they only know what's been happening since March. It's not too soon for me, but I worry what others are thinking. Being "that girl" is one of the biggest fears I have. I've been seen as "that girl" before (mistakenly, but that's not the point), and it's not something I ever want to be again. When people start seeing you as "that girl", even if you aren't, you start to believe it. I'm not. I have morals, and I have convictions. Maybe they aren't the same as others, but that doesn't make them less valid. I just want people to like me...how pathetic.
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