Peace of mind?

I've found myself in a position I don't enjoy being in: inconsolable. I absolutely hate it; I feel weak and insecure, and nothing anyone says can make me feel any better. I'm just... a lumpy, teary mess for a period of time far too long to be considered "typical".


So what do I do? Listen to Christian music, of course. And within a song, I went from heaving on the floor, to sitting calmly on my bed. Tears stopped, fears cease, and insecurities no longer bother me. This is not to say that I'm "saved" or that I've "found God", because that's not true. I've been completely stuck behind this wall since I was in the 7th grade, where I physically can't make myself believe like I want. I can say I believe as much as I want, and can listen to as much music, or read from the bible enough to last a year, and... nothing. I've had people pray over me in the most emotional of settings, and yet there I stood, unphased.

I've seen how finding Jesus changes people, and consistently for the better. A friend of mine once told me that loving Jesus was true love, love I could never imagine. That it was everything that could ever complete me, and everything that I would ever need. How beautiful is that?



But I'm not the testimonials you hear at your churches. I'm not the inspiriting story of the woman on the corner, or the drug addict on the streets who found God and whose lives have completely changed. I'm not the atheist who will be taken in, almost as a challenge, in order to show all the people the power of Christianity.



I don't know where I fit. With my different opinions, and all my doubts. All I know is that the idea of loving a God as amazing as the God you've all painted a picture for me of is something that would be worth every hardship I have or could ever face.