New Year's Resolutions!

Despite the fact that New Year's Resolutions rarely last past the month of January, I have high hopes that I can have the self-discipline to last until at least mid-february. I pray to God that 2013 will be a quality year, but I guess that's only half up to me, half up to chance, ehh?

Here we go!

• Work out; not to lose weight, but to become more healthy, and to beat James in an arm wrestle.
•  Start doing yoga, or meditation. I get so stressed over nothing, I need something to calm me down.
• Drink more water. Coffee and diet soda does not count as sufficient hydration.
• Don't zone out as much. I'm missing life when I'm just staring at walls.
• Be outside more, they invented coats for a reason.
• Eat less processed foods, lean towards clean eating. You are what you eat, right?
• Bake more, improve your decorating skills with cakes and cupcakes. Maybe take a decorating class at Micheal's. This is something I love, shouldn't I strive to be the best I can be?
• Gain peace with who I am. I can fix what I can, and I can deal with what I can't. 
• My body is a canvas, right? Be more creative with makeup, it's a lovely way to express myself.

I feel good about this year.

all I know.

Is that I really don't know much of anything.

I don't know what I want to do with my life.
I don't know how I feel.
I don't know my passions.
I don't know who you are anymore... well... maybe I never did.
I don't know why you treat me so poorly behind my back.

But I do know a few things.

I know what love feels like.
I know what true friendship feels like.
I know what loss feels like, and don't you dare take that away from me.
I know how drunken nights end.
I know how to make damn good pumpkin bread.
I know how wonderful skin feels on skin.
And I know how to cry, and I do it often. Not always out of sadness, just out of emotion.


I hope that everyone... or at least a few people, are as lost as I am.

“If I never see you again
I will always carry you
inside
outside
on my fingertips
and at brain edges
and in centers
centers
of what I am of
what remains.”

Merry Christmas. Much love. Sweet dreams.
<3

Story time.

There once was a couple who decided they wanted to take a break. They both wanted very different things out of life, and they wanted to pursue their dreams. So they agreed to eachother that they would go off in the world for 3 years, and if they realized that they wanted to get back together, they would meet at a river where they had their first date.

The girl wanted fame. She wanted to be a Hollywood star, and have everyone know her name. So she moved to L.A. in the hopes of staring in movies. Slowly, but surely the roles started coming in. She started in small roles at first, but within 2 years, she had made herself a bonafide movie star. But she wasn't happy like she thought she would have been. She was lonely. So she bought herself a giant mansion and filled it with endless clothes, and extravagant furniture. Still, she cried at night. "Maybe it's company, I need!" she assumed. So she paid 50 people to live with her, and to keep her company. It wasn't very long until she realized that these people weren't her friends, they were hardly acquaintances.

The man wanted to help people, so he moved down south and helped with Habitat for Humanity. He was helping build houses for families who needed them more than he ever could. But somehow, he wasn't satisfied. He decided that what he was missing was sex. So paid lots of prostitutes, and slept with half the town. This brought him nothing but more loneliness, so to ease the pain, he turned to drinking. He showed up every morning rip roaring drunk, and ended the day the same way.

But the man was too prideful to admit his defeat. He saw on the TV and in the magazines that his ex was now famous. She had gotten all she had wanted from life, and she looked so damn happy. And that torn him up inside. In his spite, he wrote her a letter weeks before the 3 year point, telling her of all he had accomplished, and how much greater he was without her.

She realized that what was missing from her life was the love that he provided, and was thrilled to meet him once more at the river. The day before she was about to leave, she received his letter. She had never felt the pain of such a loss before. All the hopes she had died that day. She went to the river, filled her pockets with rocks, and walked in.

Meanwhile, the man realized what an idiot he had been, and rushed down to the river in the hopes she hadn't received his letter.  

He sat there, and waited. He waited for hours, and hours, never knowing that had he gotten their 15 minutes earlier, she would have still been alive. Waiting. He sat there everyday till he died; wishing, praying.

maybe...

maybe there are some things we are never meant to understand....





I find this to be an endlessly annoying concept.
I want to understand the world.
Emotions.
Fears.
Beauty.
You.

frustration

I want to say what I mean without fear. Is that too much to ask for?

Swear to Baby Jesus.

My biggest secret is that I don't have any secrets left,
and I'd like at least one to hold onto
so that I can still seem sexy and mysterious to you...

and you call yourself a free-spirit, a "wild thing", and you're terrified that somebody's gonna stick you in a cage.

She is so beautiful. You don't get tired of looking at her. 
You never worry if she is smarter than you:
You know she is.
She is funny without ever being mean. I love her. 
I am so lucky to have her, Van Houten. 
You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world, old man, 
but you do have some say in who hurts you. 
I like my choices. I hope she likes hers. 

School is really important: Reading, writing, arithmetic. But what they tend to do is teach you reading, writing, arithmetic…then teach you reading, writing, arithmetic again. Then again, then again, just making it harder and harder just to keep you busy. And that’s where I think they messed up. There should be a class on drugs. There should be a class on sex education. No, REAL sex education class, not just pictures and illogical terms…There should be a class on scams, there should be a class on religious cults, there should be a class on police brutality, there should be a class on apartheid, there should be a class on racism in America, there should be a class on why people are hungry, but there’s not, their class is on…gym….Their class is like Algebra. we have yet to go a store and said, “Can I have X Y + 2 and give me my Y change back, thank you.” You know?…Like foreign languages. I think that they are important, but I don’t think it should be required. Actually, they should be teaching you English, and then teach you how to understand double talk, politician’s double talk. Not teaching you how to understand French and Spanish and GERMAN. When am I going to Germany? I can’t afford to pay my rent in America! How am I going to Germany?

—Tupac, Age 17 On the Topic of Education, 1988.